Gozo Was...Some Kind of Day


I'm now forgoing any sort of order...chaos! On our last full day in Malta, we arranged a tour to Gozo, Malta's sister island, which is about 45 minutes away from Valletta by high-speed ferry.

The island has been inhabited for centuries and is known for its natural beauty and Neolithic temples...it's also close to Comino, home of the famed Blue Lagoon (which we didn't see except from afar, but it's windy and winter, so what can you do).


We disembarked and met Joe, our tour guide...well, our "tour guide," because there was no tour in actuality. Joe was ancient and spoke very little English, and the first thing he showed us was a pharmacy, asking if we needed to stop. Still feeling excited and benevolent, I thought he was being helpful. Then he showed us...every police station, lots of water pumps, a chicken farm, barley that feeds the cows, and every school we passed. In a yell-voice. "EVERY VILLAGE HAS A SCHOOL, LOOK! YOU SEE? EVERY VILLAGE A SCHOOL!"

To the few times I asked about lunch, he either ignored me or told me Papa Francisco, the pope, visited three years ago. (Capitalize that in your head and yell it at yourself.)

At the end of four hours, we had not seen the island's capitol city with its golden cathedral, or the Neolithic temples, which are the second oldest standing manmade structures in the world. We did, however, get railroaded into a terrible restaurant where it took an hour and a half of the four hours to get some dry chicken with a ketchup garnish.


What I didn't get was any silence, as Joe kept up his yell-talking almost every second. "THIS IS AN OLD BUILDING, SEE? AND THIS IS A NEW BUILDING, LOOK. THIS IS A PHONE BOOTH, I STOP FOR YOU, NO RUSH."


In hindsight, we should have abandoned him after the first hour and gotten an Uber, because if Joe knew a single historical fact about the island he sure wasn't telling any to us. (My rage was growing to epic, red hot proportions at this point.)

He did take us to a craftsman village, which would have been fun if anything had been open besides the leather store, but someone told me later that drivers get paid by the head per person they drop off.


I did think the catfish leather purse was pretty cool, and that you could see the craftsman in the back working.


What we did see was gorgeous, though, and I have a lot of regret about not really getting to experience what the island had to offer.


For instance, these salts pans are natural formations that are 350 years old, and villagers harvest salt from them in the warm months as the water evaporates. (I took pics from the van window.)



We also saw the beautiful cathedral Ta' Pinu from afar, and actually got to get out to see Fungus Rock and the Inland Sea. Isn't it beautiful?




However, for the equivalent of $350, it was really an unacceptable day, and we raised hell until the hotel refunded us. I couldn't get my day back, but I could definitely get the cash Joe scammed me out of. By the way, he spoke English just fine as he took us by several ATMs, saying he was giving us a good day and he knew we'd take care of him.

Spoiler alert, we didn't, but I did report his cab to the Malta tourism board. I wish you crippling arthritis and hellfire and avocados that skip right from unripe to rotten, Joe. 


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